All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
