Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
