A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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