I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
