piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
