Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this boner is exhausting
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
