So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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