YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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