i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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