Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
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