Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
