she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
