The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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