I looked at my own cervix.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
