Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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