you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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