just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
