OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
