Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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