if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
