What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
