thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
