I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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