I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
