plz talk dirty to me
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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