Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
