had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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