its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
