I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
