they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
