I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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