i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
