all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
