I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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