If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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