Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
