She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
