This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
