o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
