After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize