i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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