Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
