so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
