If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
