that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
