Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
