I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
