I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
