Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize