...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
