I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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