So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
