I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Me too!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
