It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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