a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
