So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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