I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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