Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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