sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
