I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am spending my child support on dildos
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
