Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
